listening

sometimes i just look at pictures of people i know who are already living their lives, who are adults settled into jobs or careers, whether it's what they wanted to do or not. and their relationships, and their friends and their kids, and their responsibilities.

because those responsibilities matter; they put food on the table. what do mine do? they're bullshit, really. and i hate bullshit.


but i shouldn't think that way. i guess i'm just jealous. i'm jealous because i look at pictures and i see people who have empty eyes and sometimes i wish i could just be that person, who looks and doesn't see, who just goes through blind, without realizing the meaningless illusion that covers everything, and is a reflection on everything they touch. but they are still granted the small happinesses.


it's not that i'm unhappy all the time, because i'm not. i enjoy moments. but i just can't escape this melancholy. and it's worse, because that same melancholy goes against my attitude about how people should go through life, so part of me always feels like a hypocrit.


this place is crushing my spirit.

tired of the whole thing

its really hard to find meaning sometimes

especially in paperwork
and filing
and bullshit


i am required nothing by creation
not even existence

so why do people insist on terming my existence
as only having meaning if i
complete something other

as if you just woke up

asofterworld.com

check it out

hell

i'm in hell.

i'm not giving up. but i want to.

take this sinking boat

i think i might know now...

it's so easy...

i wish, once again, that vampires were real.




...yeah.

no voice

i'm a crazy person. busy, busy, busy, busy.

demons that i'm running from

first of all, i want to be part of the living theatre now.

second of all, this has been the best week in a long time

third of all, i still don't understand how intelligent people are voting for john mccain.

fourth of all, i'm practically dating a person in the above group, and he's lucky he's wonderful, or i don't know if i could overlook it.

finally

a good thesis meeting.

let's keep it moving this way.

beyond the horizon

i'm just so sad.

beauty

you can say my work is subpar or insufficient. please. push me to go farther, dig deeper.

but don't tell me that something that got me where i am is irrelevant. don't you dare. stop putting a light out. stop it. stop it stop it stop it.


fuck you.

because you want to burn bright

i'm considering becoming a college drop out.



i am having a very hard time seeing the value in what i'm doing this year. it's not just a judgment of happiness, or ease. i'm not seeing the reason for doing what i'm doing. i feel caught in an existential hamster wheel.

and i don't take kindly to meaningless activity.


i feel like i've wasted three years. and that's not to say i haven't gained from those years. but i haven't gained enough.

when i first really had the thought tonight about dropping out, i didn't feel upset. i just felt a rightness. i feel like i should fade from here, leave on the next wind. i've made my contributions, now i need to move forward and onward. or anywhere but here.


it's a kind of desperation, but i'm feeling free just because i realize i can make this choice. i can make the choice to take a different direction. i don't think college was for me.

and i don't think i should be wasting any more time here.

my mind

for once i don't think i want to know.

uh oh oh...

wow. senior year.




shit.

i lost my grip

so tired. too many nights in a row where i saw 5 am from one side or the other.

also, my horoscope on "freewill astrology" specifically tells me not to drink...

Capricorn Horoscope for week of September 11, 2008

Writing in the magazine sub-TERRAIN, John More makes the following declaration: "Captains of industry, great generals, artists of genius, even politicians, are often just people who have discovered that alcohol can enable them to make economic, tactical, creative, or political decisions whose implications would paralyze a sober individual." Your assignment, Capricorn, is to find an alcohol-free way to make such a decision. It's time for you to summon visionary courage from your soul, not from a bottle, as you catalyze complex blessings that will ripple through your future for a long time.

every luck

i'm happy.

and i have no time.






but i'm still lonely.

cold

i'm so tired of being closed off emotionally

somehow, somewhere

it's not about anyone else.

it's about me.



i will live for me. i will fill myself so full that nothing can get in my way.

bluebirds fly...

so, a great ra training was followed by a very hectic (and mostly good) first week of school.

the one bugbear is, of course, senior seminar.

i just don't feel supported. i feel pushed, not guided. granted, i need to be pushed. but i'm feeling negative about the process despite trying my best to stay positive. pozzy bear is just a master at manipulating people in the worst way. if you have the ability to play people like a fiddle, don't use it to make them feel low; that's no way to teach. and when someone comes to you for help, don't ridicule them. be honest, sure, stern, sure, but understand where it has to come from. a teacher is NOTHING without a student. let's not forget who is serving whom.


not to sound like a brat. yeah, i am not as far ahead as i could be. but despite whatever innate intelligence i may possess, i'm not an academic. this doesn't come easy for me. to tell me that i am paralyzed in life by my mind serves what purpose? yeah, i overanalyze things. i still dive in quite often. help me use the analysis, don't tell me i'm unnatural.


ok, i'm going to try to let this go for the time being. just push through it. but i do think words need to be said eventually.


in due time.

stormy weather

i'm here. i'm having fun.

i realize that i'm pretty adaptable. i might bitch about change, but throw me in the water, and i'll swim.


which also makes me realize last year REALLY sucked. because i was depressed even through that mindset...

such a lot to me

cleaning my room. its almost time to leave it on a more permanent basis...unless i am back here next summer to save money.


jeez. i'm just not ready for anything.

trying to pull myself away

limbo.


guess i'm wondering where i'll end up.

the fourth, the fifth...

i guess things can't stay good for long...

not that they're bad now, but still. build up to a fantastic day yesterday, a good day at work today, and then family shyte...


so it goes...

happy?

so, shakes camp is half done.

wonderful town is one show away from being done.

despite adam being as unreachable as ever (*melancholic lover sigh*) i met a great guy...


one more year of college.








could i possibly be happy right now?

what dreams may come

wow, that last post was melodramatic.

things are slightly better now that the show is up. i'm feeling much more positive, since we've had a fantastic opening weekend. i can't say that the stress of stage managing was worth it, or that i'll do it again anytime soon, but i'm now enjoying the result.

as of tomorrow, monday july 14th, i have one month left of summer. my last summer ever really. unless i end up being a teacher, which is not that unlikely. hoorah double negative.

camp is also going well. great kids, we're doing as you like it, we added a bunch of music into it because we cut the script too short. great american song book, yay. my only problem is that i'm still broke, and i spent too much money this weekend. i'll be ok to go into the school year, but i'm gonna have to watch it. and i'm gonna have to find time for a campus job.

i need to get to the city soon...

turning their lights off

as if i needed more stress right now, my phone just died.

to recap:

i'm broke and have very little time or means to make money.
wonderful town opens thursday and the costume designer hasn't brought everything she needs.
i'm going back to school in just over a month.
i'm lonely.
i've been having severe anxiety attacks in my sleep, so bad i sleep on the couch with my dogs.
i have no direction in life.
i'm in a country that discriminates against me.
i'm on a planet that is being destroyed by the dominant species.


and in summation. almost everything sucks.




sunshine and daisies.

alcohol

i should probably drink less. since i'm kind of depressed lately...and alcohol is a depressant...

isn't it rich?

Isn't it rich?
Are we a pair?
Me here at last on the ground,
You in mid-air.
Send in the clowns.

Isn't it bliss?
Don't you approve?
One who keeps tearing around,
One who can't move.
Where are the clowns?
Send in the clowns.

Just when I'd stopped opening doors,
Finally knowing the one that I wanted was yours,
Making my entrance again with my usual flair,
Sure of my lines,
No one is there.

Don't you love farce?
My fault I fear.
I thought that you'd want what I want.
Sorry, my dear.
But where are the clowns?
Quick, send in the clowns.
Don't bother, they're here.

Isn't it rich?
Isn't it queer,
Losing my timing this late
In my career?
And where are the clowns?
There ought to be clowns.
Well, maybe next year.

as they knelt over him weeping

i'm lonely, i'm tired and i don't know what to do anymore.


really, why does everything suck so hard? it just feels impossible. i can be happy in the moment, but i have so far to go just to get to where i can relax. why can't life be easier? it's so complicated and unfair, and i hate going through it with the feeling that i'll just never ever find anything other than great friends.

i should be grateful. but i'm not. i'm just fucking tired.




fucking sick and tired.

something shining

this summer officially sucks.


some good points, of course, but, it sucks.

letter to my friends

Well...summer is pretty much half over, and not nearly enough to show for it.

Things have been going pretty well, actually, so disregard about 53.4% of the emo in that first sentence. I've been stage managing a show, "Wonderful Town" (which Matt and Amanda are in), and it's going ok. I'm also in another show, "Victor/Victoria" which is pretty good and it opens tomorrow night. So, I've been very busy with that.

Also, I FINALLY took my bartending course, which everyone around me is probably sick of hearing about. It was without a doubt the best educational experience of my life. The instructor was amazing, and I look forward to making all sorts of fun drinks at the Lazy Beaver. I passed with the best time in my class of 5:42. (We had to make 12 drinks in under 7 minutes; quite challenging and fun). Now I'm looking forward to finding a job that I can use my new skills in. Especially difficult because I don't have many nights or weekends...oh well, we'll see what happens.

The emo is mostly a recent development. I was excited about Shakespeare Camp (duh), and especially happy that we were going to have an extra session. Well, Clista called me Monday, pissed off because the owners waited until Sunday to tell her that enrollment was really low, so we're not sure what's going to actually happen there. Well, damn. Because I'd been counting on that money, and hadn't gotten a job. So now I'm kind of fucked. But I've got a few leads on jobs, so we'll see. If I find a job that pays well enough, I'll actually be doing that instead of Camp, which is sad, but a necessary sacrifice I think.

I've been thinking a lot about my future career, and projects I want to take on. Directing is the next thing I want to take a stab at, so we'll see. I've done zero work on my thesis. I'm definitely NOT doing Pozzy's idea, the scene night thing. What kind of garbage is that? I'll be following through with expressionism. Maybe not with "The Hairy Ape", but probably. We'll see. Who knows. I am still interested in movement...but whatever, we'll figure it out eventually...

I do miss you all, but I have to reiterate how little I miss Manhattanville. If this were the summer before Junior year, I wouldn't be coming back. But, since it's only 10 more months, I'll soldier on. My heart just isn't in it anymore. I'm excited to work with the Cherries again (and I want the damn Quints cast list and musical announcement already!), and hopefully Zach for JC, and even ResLife a little bit, but other than that...I donno. I'm really just looking forward to living in the heights (or wherever we can find a place!), and I want to get started with my real life. I'm over education, but with luck, this final push will teach me more than I'm expecting it to.

Oh. There is sort of a boy. But...meh. He's flaky. But, speaking of flakes...Adam is back from Russia...so...let's all just pray he didn't get any of my drunk voicemails and text messages. I know he has a new phone, so it's possible...oh god, that would be a miracle if all that evidence of my crazy was gone!

My hands are starting to feel heavy and big. It's that time in my life. I'll explain some other time.



Sorry this is so long. I miss and love you all!

All my best,

Rob


AND PS: I owe Al a public apology for missing her bash. Rest assured, I'll still find a way to celebrate with her.

it wasn't roaring...

i just finished re-reading the book of joe by jonathan tropper. i read it ages ago, liked it, but mostly set it aside. every night this week i've cried a bit over it. it's really quite beautiful, in exactly the way i like it.



i guess i just want a little bit of meaning in my life.

finally hope

i'm done. i've been done since tuesday, but jesus, i'm done.

the year from hell is almost completely over. just some ra schtuff, packing, singing with quints, and then i'm out of here!


thank god.

i can see the stars from the gutter...

3 more days of classes.

then 5 days til my school year is academically over.

in that time, i need to write 20 more pages, create a model box, and perform 3 more scenes.

aside from that, i have one more quints gig, recording tomorrow night, my final program of the year.


this is starting to look doable. the year from hell is almost over...




and today we're having a "town meeting" with the dance/theatre dept. should be very interesting...since essentially this is my class pushing back at the teacher that has pushed for too long. i'd say teachers, but i'd be lying. we all know it's only one.

should be interesting.




GLORY TO-

you've got the love

the year is almost over. thank god.

and here's to my friends. and one or two people who have been more than friends.

oh don't you know

too busy to breathe or sleep.


suffice it to say i've figured out some things about myself. the most important one is that i am not ready for a relationship. i want good old fashioned dating, where both parties go out and have a good time, but where there is no pressure for attachment. call me a commitment-phobe, but so it is. i've always thought it absurd for someone in my age group to be getting seriously involved anyway, and the last year has reinforced that and clarified some things for me. not to say i want to slut around; but i want to have fun with people without putting anyone under any pressure.

also. i'm going to learn to say no if it's the last thing i do. next year, i'm committed to only three things. my show, al's show and reslife. and if that's all i can handle at max output, then that's all i'm gonna do. realistically, i'll probably do one show, but i don't see myself being able to handle two...


time will tell. for now though, i'm gonna listen to a little bit of birdsong outside my window.




thank god for spring.

perspective

finally made it to spring.

have some big thoughts to share. epiphanies, almost.


will do that later. for now, a shower, and then quad jam.


luminous.

it has happened before, it will happen again

so. i think i figured out one of the major problems in my life right now.

fucking college. i need to not be in college. i need to be doing work that doesn't have vague benefits, but actual tangible ones: a paycheck, benefits, increased resume.

i'm not going to do anything much more here. i'm going to hone my skills as a theatre artist more (oh god, when did i stop thinking of myself as an actor, and start thinking of myself as a "theatre artist?"), but i'm not going to do anything of any real value. i'm going to write a thesis that won't get me anywhere, because i'm not going to grad school for anything intellectual. or any time soon. so it's going to be a big waste of time and emotion and paper and whatever.

so i need to get my diploma, and get the FUCK out of here.


i think i need to be in the city. but like...what do i do when i get there? i'm gonna need to develop a group of friends, because i don't know how many of my friends will travel in the circles i want to. it sounds silly, but i'm probably also going to take some time off of theatre so i can experience what life is like when you don't have rehearsal. maybe i'll just do one show next year.






i want to just go be a regular gay 20-something. or a regular 20-something period.


whatever the hell that means.

the flesh and the fantasy

two major things going on right now. well. two major things, and two major questions.

major things: much ado about nothing. come see it. i'm playing benedick. 914-323-7175
horny as shit. i close my eyes and see naked images. i need some good, fun, clean sex. now


major questions:

what makes good theatre, why does it matter, and how do i do it?


and


why am i so damn lonely? why do i sabotage everything good i can experience in relationships?

"and it's all coming back to me now"

o to be stupid again

http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/03/13/alqaeda.saddam/index.html

this should have been front page news. instead it's knocked off by a sex scandal.

it's shit like that that makes me believe conspiracy theorists.

where are you now?

so...i don't know.

i should probably see someone. i think i have too much emotional baggage to let myself be happy.

oh, and i have an incredibly overdeveloped sense of catholic guilt, despite knowing that it's all bullshit. i think i'm evil. and what's worse, at least half the time, i still think i'm one of the better people out there.

this phase in development officially sucks.

lilac wine

holy shit.

jealousy, what the hell is this? i've never felt like this before, where the hell did it come from?


seriously, what the fuck is going on...

99 red balloons

dear mr. nader,

please don't keep ruining america.

love,

liberals everywhere

totally fucked...

not actually, just spring awakening.



TOO MUCH STIMULUS. DOES NOT COMPUTE!!!


exes, futures, shows, plays, work, love, life laughter joy songsingbrokedownnowhereanywherewatertealifelivewow

too much.

fittin for an angel's...

crazy dream, about a menagerie of organisms under my care.


also. 21!!!!!!!


hooray!

catch a raindrop...

i like who i've been for the past week or so.

classes starting kind of sucks.

too much work, too little time.


i really need to memorize lines...

counted up my demons

just when i decided hilary is the candidate i want, and would feel the most comfortable backing, obama pulls ahead.

please don't let it be over. i believe in my girl.

and the righteous hurry past

going back to school today. i'm not really ready for it. by any stretch of the imagination.

*sigh*


so it goes. somehow, i'll get it all done. but it's not a good sign when the semester hasn't even started and i'm feeling overwhelmed....

auld lang syne

resolutions: be healthier. primarily physically, but mentally as well. do things for myself, or at least try. just stay sane. cook two meals a week. relax. breathe. work harder. love cleaner. move forward.

lets do it.



2008.