blowing through the thick corn, the bales of hay...

so.

i donno.


it's just a little ridiculous how crazy this semester has been, and how much has happened, and how much we've all been through.

life moves too fast. i can't keep up. i can't keep moving at this break-neck pace and not actually GO anywhere. and i'm definitely not moving.

ok, emo passage coming up.

i feel like everything i get just slips through my fingers, or turns out to be nowhere near what i thought it would be. yeah, the peter thing, but before that, the matt thing, before that...i could go on, but it'd be pointless. and not just relationships. school stuff too. it's just all too much, and i feel like i can't stop. i want to take a semester off, but i don't know that i'd actually make it back, and then i'd feel like i wasted three years. i can't keep having sleepless nights because i'm trapped in my own head. i want to do crazy things just to feel alive, but i'm so scared. and no one knows, because i'm so good at the facade.


ok. now that that's partially out of my system. at least as out of my system as anything ever gets.

good news!!

-only TWO WEEKS LEFT. if i can bs and survive TWO WEEKS, then i can make it to winter break...
-cast list got posted, and i'm benedick. so apparently i am talented...or at least talented enough for a small pond.
-i got a random fifty dollar check in the mail...? go figure, it's from the alumni association. schweet.
-i got a call from the gap, and they want to hire me for the break. schweet.

and. i guess that's life. i'm really lonely lately, but i don't see any way that that is amending itself anytime soon. and school kind of sucks, but i'm almost there. and i can't stop moving, but at least that means i'm not going to sit down and give up. i'll make it. i'm a fighter.


we try. and sometimes succeed. but when we try true, even the failure is glorious.

long long road

i need a major life change soon.

i have no idea what it is.


"here's to happily ever after..."

college

definitely one of the craziest 24 hour periods in my entire life. almost an entire 24 hours awake too, 7:45 am Saturday to 6:00 am Sunday morning.

and so very very much happened.

wild horses

home is cute. glad i'll be back for a few days at the end of the week.

school drama is pretty high stakes right now. and how to act above the fray...*sigh*. it's hard.

quints. i don't know how well i can sing today, and i'm not one hundred percent on the charlie brown christmas. but i have a few hours to get there, lol.

oh, and i love my family.

lately my hands, they don't feel like mine

so, i've been spirit questing. i'll give a rough account, minus the guidance.

i begin, by walking on a path, and end up in my front lawn on a sunny day. no one is around. the tree that got cut down when i left for school is still there, but my tree has been moved. i start to explore the hole with my old tree, but it yields nothing. so i move to the squirrel's home in the tree that has been cut down. i start to move down it. i can hear the squirrels scratching at me, not in an unfriendly way, just in an investigative way. i move further down, and i can hear them chatter up above. as i move down the trunk of the tree, almost-man joins me, and asks me, without words, if he is on the map, if i've seen him on the map. i have no answer, and so i press forward. he is almost man, gangly, and long, with a bushy face, but with spectacles. he is no one i've seen before, but is everyone. i continue to ignore, and finally, gloriously...
almost-man is gone, but i don't notice. i'm atop a cliff. i can see farther than forever, past all the space the world can hold and a million times more. everything is to greater scale, and more realistic than before. at the same time i am so accutely aware of my own body, and the physical sensations i am feeling. i begin to scale the smooth, gray face of the cliff. halfway down, i see a little bird to my left. he quickly flutters to my right. annoying little thing, with a large, crushing beak, and orange and green feathers. he hops and flits, and won't leave me alone. he follows me to the bottom...
at the bottom of the cliffs lies a river. i walk along the cliffside river bank, looking for a place to cross, to get to the forest on the other side. i eventually see it up ahead, underneath a protrusion from the cliff face. it's a strip of land that i can cross the river on...
i cross the river, and i find myself face to face with a slight clearing into the forest. in the clearing sits a massive crocodile. he defies imagination. he is taller than i am when he is laying down. i know he is not the one i seek, but despite his bulk and his ancientness (or perhaps because of these things) i sense he is benevolent; immense in power as he is in body, but not ill-disposed. i move closer to him, and ask a silent question. do you know where i can find my power animal...my spirit guide...
he looks at me. he's seen me before, or one like me. i'm part of an infinite progression, after all. he raises his great head, just a slight strain on his shoulder muscles, massive as they are, and looks off into the woods. i see a path, clearer than it was before, and suddenly i can see further. the bird reappears, having been frightened by this crocodile, and we set off into the forest to see what is ahead...

i am called back.


life moves on. painfully, slowly, real in the most bizarre way possible. apollonian. structure, order, time, rules...

i try to go back. i push to hard. the tree is gone, both trees are gone, both holes into the lower world are gone...
to my left a motion, and i'm racing after a road-runner. is this the spirit world? where will we go, where did this desert come from...
to my right a motion, and i'm sitting on a tree branch, looking down at a bird's nest. i see a squirrel's hole. i dart down, quick as i can before i can be pulled away again. too soon...
i move down the hole like mud laced with sticks. there is no easy path, no progress. i search the tunnels. there seems to be no way down...
suddenly, as before, i'm atop the cliff. i climb down, find my bird and thank him. i find the path across, and thank the crocodile. i know he is father crocodile now. i thank him again, and apologize for not showing gratitude before. wordless. he knows...
i start down the forest path, and suddenly i'm back, trapped in my body. under a blanket, in a theatre, drums playing, steady, tom. tom. tom. tom tom tom tom. tom-tom-tom-tom. tom-tom-tom-tom--tomtomtomtomtomtomtomtomtomtomtomtomtomtomtomtomtomtomtomtom. playing forever. i can't escape the drums. i can't move my body. i know i can't move my body, except my eyes. i'm floating, my hands are floating, my legs are floating, i'm not in myself, but i can't move my body. i can only move my eyes, and they are not to be opened.
i open my eyes.
my body snaps back, i force myself back, rushing because i know i am blind, and i know i must go back...
suddenly, all wrong, i'm back. it's my own fault, something bad will happen, i'm back when i shouldn't be, i'm not prepared, i've brought more and less with me than i should have. father crocodile tells me that i am poisoned. that this is poison, and i must fix it before i can find myself. poisoned...
i realize that i am blind, and transfixed. i hear father crocodile, sliding down the slope of the clearing, into the river, feel and hear and taste his body moving through the river water which is suddenly deep enough for his bulk. he is gone, and i don't know when i'll see him again. no time soon by seeking...
i find my body. i can move, but i cannot see. i am blind, both physically and spiritually. i've always had such good sight before...
the little bird is with me. he lands on my shoulder, and i can see again. i know that father crocodile sent me back, and trapped me, and i know that now he has let me see again. i thank him, though he is not there. i know he can hear. my bird and i begin to walk through the woods...
we see no one. there is no one. the woods are empty, because i have brought noise with me. even pleasant melodies are harsh klaxons here. no one will come...
a snake appears and is gone, off to see someone else. i cannot find it, but it clears me, brings me fully into the spirit world, though i know that world is far more than spirit. we walk down the path. the trees are tall, forming a canopy as high as most people know the sky, but lower than a lover looking down during love. my bird begins to flit away from me as we go along...
there are noises in my head. visions. a panther, a bear fighting. each other. snarling, and then the panther appears before me. he is calm, placid. did he just fight the bear, or has he fought the bear in the distant past, or is he going to fight the bear sometime in the great vast tomorrow, or is he always in eternal struggle with the bear, i do not know the answer. but he is before me, and i am enthralled. i ask him if he is the one i seek, my spirit guide, but he only answers by looking deep into my eyes. my blue meets his amber, and i push into his skin. he lets me in, lets me feel his sinews, the shoulders, the sleek edginess. some feels right, but he is not the one i seek. he is not my own guide. i ask if he knows where to find my guide. he looks dispassionately passionate. he knows. he runs, and i follow...
i follow and follow, and am in joy of following. i have been given the chance to find, to seek again. this world will not give up on me. we travel across all kinds of forest terrain, under never-ending, endlessly high trees. suddenly, a small clearing, the panther runs through, i can feel him calling me onward, and i follow with joy...
i feel pain. i stop, look around. behind me, my bird has been caught in an eagle's claws. from the sky or the trees i don't know, but an eagle, holding my bird. my bird is not in danger, but he is in pain. i can see the panther up ahead, i can see my bird behind. i know i cannot choose both, i know my bird is fine. i make a choice...
the eagle's wings are battering me, he is clawing and screeching at me, but i am holding my bird close, protecting him, and then with one blow of my open left hand, the eagle tears off for the sky. i have lost the panther...
truly dejected, i hold the bird in my hand until he is calm enough to alight on my right shoulder. he knows i am feeling pain right now, but does not know why. he seeks to comfort me, and that is some, but never enough. we walk back through the forest. suddenly, my panther...
he sits on the path, tall, upright, like the egyptian cats. i dare to hope, but as he looks at me with the same sorrow i feel from the bird, sorrow that he cannot help, fear that he may have done more harm than good, i know that he has lost the path. i ask if he can find my guide, but i know the answer, and i know it is a lost cause here and now. i sit with them, loving them, and thanking them. i stroke them both, one with each hand, try to love them all i can, and then i'm gone...
i have not been called back yet, but i am still paralyzed. i sit and breathe and i wait. the others come back. discussion is futile, no one understands really, only pieces.

it's real. and i'm a cynic, and i know it's all false, but it's true.





i don't know what to do. i am poisoned, and my actions lately prove that true. i will remedy my poison, and now i begin to suspect that father crocodile does not show me anything specific at all, but rather, vagueries. the reptilian mind is farther seeing than ours after all, and maybe this is not anything specific, but something much more far seeing. i just want to heal myself from that poison. so i'll try to fix what i know, and then proceed from there.

i'll be ok. it's all a journey, and i'm blessed to have one. blessed.

catharsis

so i got dumped.

i got over it.

i realized i wasnt over it.

now im working on it.

and i may not be ok.

not just because of being dumped. actually much more because of other things.

but i will be.

because, god damn it, i'm a fighter.

so fuck off you crazy world. just because i'm moderately more self-aware than the average bear, does not mean you can keep me from being happy.


WAR CRY!!



and so i begin again. big cycle or small, it's a new beginning.

no-pants nietszche.

too much.

will update at some point soon.

the end of america