it has happened before, it will happen again

so. i think i figured out one of the major problems in my life right now.

fucking college. i need to not be in college. i need to be doing work that doesn't have vague benefits, but actual tangible ones: a paycheck, benefits, increased resume.

i'm not going to do anything much more here. i'm going to hone my skills as a theatre artist more (oh god, when did i stop thinking of myself as an actor, and start thinking of myself as a "theatre artist?"), but i'm not going to do anything of any real value. i'm going to write a thesis that won't get me anywhere, because i'm not going to grad school for anything intellectual. or any time soon. so it's going to be a big waste of time and emotion and paper and whatever.

so i need to get my diploma, and get the FUCK out of here.


i think i need to be in the city. but like...what do i do when i get there? i'm gonna need to develop a group of friends, because i don't know how many of my friends will travel in the circles i want to. it sounds silly, but i'm probably also going to take some time off of theatre so i can experience what life is like when you don't have rehearsal. maybe i'll just do one show next year.






i want to just go be a regular gay 20-something. or a regular 20-something period.


whatever the hell that means.

the flesh and the fantasy

two major things going on right now. well. two major things, and two major questions.

major things: much ado about nothing. come see it. i'm playing benedick. 914-323-7175
horny as shit. i close my eyes and see naked images. i need some good, fun, clean sex. now


major questions:

what makes good theatre, why does it matter, and how do i do it?


and


why am i so damn lonely? why do i sabotage everything good i can experience in relationships?

"and it's all coming back to me now"

o to be stupid again

http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/03/13/alqaeda.saddam/index.html

this should have been front page news. instead it's knocked off by a sex scandal.

it's shit like that that makes me believe conspiracy theorists.

where are you now?

so...i don't know.

i should probably see someone. i think i have too much emotional baggage to let myself be happy.

oh, and i have an incredibly overdeveloped sense of catholic guilt, despite knowing that it's all bullshit. i think i'm evil. and what's worse, at least half the time, i still think i'm one of the better people out there.

this phase in development officially sucks.

lilac wine

holy shit.

jealousy, what the hell is this? i've never felt like this before, where the hell did it come from?


seriously, what the fuck is going on...