well...

its been awhile hasn't it?

what a fucking awesome summer. pippin was, to say the least, life changing. as monica and i discussed, nothing physically changed in our lives, we're just facing a completely different direction.

much ado is now up, and going very well. i'm quite proud of my cast (and i guess of myself too). it was really a quite easy process (minus losing actors and having to be in it too...)

got suckered into one last show at manhattanville...but its with the cherries, and i'm playing a gene kelly role...holy crap. exciting.

yeah. oh, and a new job at esprit!! which is meh, but its money (which i DESPERATELY need)

Everything's going so well!

Pippin is up, to mostly rave reviews, at least from people we know. No official reviewer has released anything, but who cares? It's filling seats in a theatre that goes empty too often.

My own little pet directing project, Much Ado is well on its way. Production meeting yesterday went FABULOUSLY, and auditions are less than a week away. Very exciting stuff.

I may have a post-camp job!!



Things are really going well.

hippie

i want to be one.

also, new york city gays are wonderful. the city in general is wonderful.

i love NOT being jaded.

well

good month. little sister graduated high school, which is bizarre. lots of partying, more rehearsing, surprisingly minimal spending of money.

next on my vague musical theatre skill set to do list - learn to flip lower.

yah, i dont know why i'm up either. i'm supposed to help my mother move into a science camp thing, but it's so god damned early...

shakespeare camp starts next week!!

holy shit

wow, it's been awhile.


so, to summarize, as if i'd forget. since the last entry:

- i failed classes, thus not graduating. i will be graduating january 2010, and then walking in may. sucks, but so it is.

- was diagnosed (?) with depression. but not severe enough for medication. i spent the last two months of school fighting this. wish i'd sought out help a long time earlier. lesson for the future.

- met an awesome man. fun. serious, but not in the way these things usually are. friendship more than anything else, though there is a lot of else.

- put up a senior thesis project. went ok. learned what i need to work on, which is the most important thing.

- watched my friends graduate, to mixed emotions.

- got cast as pippin (!), which is a dream role. it's going very well so far i think. it's been a HUGE confidence boost. not so much getting cast as the fact that i've been actually applying myself to it and getting results. going to keep doing that.

- got a directing gig (!) doing much ado (!). holy crap. this i'm still nervous for, but i've got a lot more time. auditions the weekend after pippin closes. i never do rest do i?

- welcomed a lot of old friends back into my life. home just feels better.

- haven't found a job yet...but have been working on it...something will come through soon...

- decided to devote more time to being happy. why bother temporizing over what isn't working? the solution will appear in time.



overall...2009 was awful...until about may 13th or so. i still don't know where i want to go, or what i want to do...not trying to quote pippin, honestly...that's creepy. but for now, that's ok. i WILL find something that makes this worthwhile. shakespeare alone is reason to be alive.

i can be happy. i'm almost here.

fuck

it all comes crashing down. and i can't move. just sit and watch the house burn.

if you've gotta be a piece of ass

i'm so close to getting out.  don't self-sabotage now, self!

also, i think i'm becoming more and more attracted to older men.  not old.  but like.  30.  i think it's because i yearn to be semi-established.

cigarettes and wine

i always burn my tongue on you

slow burn, smolder

looking in the mirror is only ok on the morning after someone leaves your bed

words you borrowed

i donno man. things are going ok. i like it.

i made the decision somewhere in the past two months to be happy, and aside from getting drunk and lonely here and there, i'm happy, and i'm enjoying the company of people around me. i've even been hit with some hard stuff in the past couple weeks and i've still been pretty good.

that's a change, right? maybe it's maturity, maybe it's acceptance. hmmm.

oh i can't breathe...

i'm not handling this well.








stupid stupid rob.

my confidence was failing.

i'm so fucking sick of feeling lonely. being alone is one thing, feeling lonely is quite another.


fuckthisshit

on a midnight clear

so...

treading old ground.







what the hell am i doing?

so...

its been awhile.


i'm less depressed, i think. time will tell.

i'm trying to remove pretension from my life as much as possible.



i wonder if anyone reads this, but it doesn't matter. it's just for me.