oh don't you know

too busy to breathe or sleep.


suffice it to say i've figured out some things about myself. the most important one is that i am not ready for a relationship. i want good old fashioned dating, where both parties go out and have a good time, but where there is no pressure for attachment. call me a commitment-phobe, but so it is. i've always thought it absurd for someone in my age group to be getting seriously involved anyway, and the last year has reinforced that and clarified some things for me. not to say i want to slut around; but i want to have fun with people without putting anyone under any pressure.

also. i'm going to learn to say no if it's the last thing i do. next year, i'm committed to only three things. my show, al's show and reslife. and if that's all i can handle at max output, then that's all i'm gonna do. realistically, i'll probably do one show, but i don't see myself being able to handle two...


time will tell. for now though, i'm gonna listen to a little bit of birdsong outside my window.




thank god for spring.

perspective

finally made it to spring.

have some big thoughts to share. epiphanies, almost.


will do that later. for now, a shower, and then quad jam.


luminous.

it has happened before, it will happen again

so. i think i figured out one of the major problems in my life right now.

fucking college. i need to not be in college. i need to be doing work that doesn't have vague benefits, but actual tangible ones: a paycheck, benefits, increased resume.

i'm not going to do anything much more here. i'm going to hone my skills as a theatre artist more (oh god, when did i stop thinking of myself as an actor, and start thinking of myself as a "theatre artist?"), but i'm not going to do anything of any real value. i'm going to write a thesis that won't get me anywhere, because i'm not going to grad school for anything intellectual. or any time soon. so it's going to be a big waste of time and emotion and paper and whatever.

so i need to get my diploma, and get the FUCK out of here.


i think i need to be in the city. but like...what do i do when i get there? i'm gonna need to develop a group of friends, because i don't know how many of my friends will travel in the circles i want to. it sounds silly, but i'm probably also going to take some time off of theatre so i can experience what life is like when you don't have rehearsal. maybe i'll just do one show next year.






i want to just go be a regular gay 20-something. or a regular 20-something period.


whatever the hell that means.

the flesh and the fantasy

two major things going on right now. well. two major things, and two major questions.

major things: much ado about nothing. come see it. i'm playing benedick. 914-323-7175
horny as shit. i close my eyes and see naked images. i need some good, fun, clean sex. now


major questions:

what makes good theatre, why does it matter, and how do i do it?


and


why am i so damn lonely? why do i sabotage everything good i can experience in relationships?

"and it's all coming back to me now"

o to be stupid again

http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/03/13/alqaeda.saddam/index.html

this should have been front page news. instead it's knocked off by a sex scandal.

it's shit like that that makes me believe conspiracy theorists.

where are you now?

so...i don't know.

i should probably see someone. i think i have too much emotional baggage to let myself be happy.

oh, and i have an incredibly overdeveloped sense of catholic guilt, despite knowing that it's all bullshit. i think i'm evil. and what's worse, at least half the time, i still think i'm one of the better people out there.

this phase in development officially sucks.

lilac wine

holy shit.

jealousy, what the hell is this? i've never felt like this before, where the hell did it come from?


seriously, what the fuck is going on...