what's worth keeping

i'm here. new york city.

gonna take over.


(holy shit)




the move was surprisingly stress free, i'm mostly unpacked and i had a really great night out last night. good thing, because it'll probably be my last night out for a time. i have an 'audition' tomorrow for a transfer to the flagship sunglass hut, which would just be a really nice job to have. i'd make good enough money to survive. so fingers crossed, and maybe you should come by sunglasses from me tomorrow. whoever you are.


my apartment is fully furnished (though i'd like a futon) and i'm stocked on food. kev is here. life is good.



i can't believe i got here. what to do now?

hoooooooooooly shit

i move in two days. not going on a trip. fucking moving.


MUST PACK BETTER/FASTER/STRONGER













ahhh!!

nothing like a dame

i've been doing a lot of thinking lately about where i want my life to take me, and i realized i've almost entered the beginning stages of settling. this is an important realization in light of my forthcoming move (ONE WEEK!) to new york. i have a great day job, but i'm thinking about it far too much, and in too long term...erm...terms. right.

the fact is, as much as i love working at sunglass hut, i don't want it to be the only thing i ever do. i want to keep it around as a survival job for when i need it, but i've also got to remind myself of what i really want to be, what i really want to do. and that's a performer, an artist, a maker. i think one of the last consequences of the slump i went through senior year was that somehow i got it ingrained, despite all evidence to the contrary, that i wasn't in fact an artist, just a guy who was decent at doing theatre. the fact of the matter is that, yes, while i am indeed a guy who's decent at theatre, i also do have my own artistic sense and vision that i have a right to put forward.

basically, i need to keep in mind what my true goals are. money gets in the way, and while money is good because it keeps me fed and housed, the more i'm finally taking these steps towards independence, the more i need to remember to create.

look you in the eye

ok. so.

since september 2009, i have.

-graduated mville. finally. and just in time, the school seems to be going down the shitter under the new president.

-done a lot of shows. after m'ado (which was an amazing experience that i miss all the time), i did brigadoon (at mville...sneaky...), the laramie project (which was kind of a brutal experience simply because i had too much going on at the time and miscommunication with the director, etc...), a world premiere of a short play called "got pot?" which was fun, and a cabaret about love for valentine's day. then...

-i worked for the texas shakespeare festival. which was a LONG ten weeks in the middle of east texas, but a wonderful experience. first professional gig, woot. did as you like it, two gents and the children's show, the tortoise and the hare. last time i ever take an internship position, but good fun.

-worked for esprit and sunglass hut. woot retail. esprit was meh, but i'm kind of obsessed with my sunglass hut job. i worked at four different locations in fairfield county and i may be transferring to the city because...

-in two weeks (!) i am moving to astoria, NY. wow. amazing. bout fucking time. holy hell. i need that job at the hut, because i don't have anything saved, lol. responsible me.

-found someone i'm crazy about. it's wierd, because we met before texas and we've been together from a distance longer than we have been near each other, but it seems like it's going wonderfully. we're getting relationshippy and not just first meeting kind of thing. it's exciting. not really scary, just exciting. and it makes me smile.


so that's pretty much all the major events. lots of little things along the way. mostly just hanging with mona and maya and the gang. lots of drinking and partying and being a twenty something.


hopefully i'll keep this up more now that i've got major life changes occuring.

way too much

i need to start writing in this again. not now, i just want to have a record of these years.

big update(s) soon.

well...

its been awhile hasn't it?

what a fucking awesome summer. pippin was, to say the least, life changing. as monica and i discussed, nothing physically changed in our lives, we're just facing a completely different direction.

much ado is now up, and going very well. i'm quite proud of my cast (and i guess of myself too). it was really a quite easy process (minus losing actors and having to be in it too...)

got suckered into one last show at manhattanville...but its with the cherries, and i'm playing a gene kelly role...holy crap. exciting.

yeah. oh, and a new job at esprit!! which is meh, but its money (which i DESPERATELY need)

Everything's going so well!

Pippin is up, to mostly rave reviews, at least from people we know. No official reviewer has released anything, but who cares? It's filling seats in a theatre that goes empty too often.

My own little pet directing project, Much Ado is well on its way. Production meeting yesterday went FABULOUSLY, and auditions are less than a week away. Very exciting stuff.

I may have a post-camp job!!



Things are really going well.

hippie

i want to be one.

also, new york city gays are wonderful. the city in general is wonderful.

i love NOT being jaded.

well

good month. little sister graduated high school, which is bizarre. lots of partying, more rehearsing, surprisingly minimal spending of money.

next on my vague musical theatre skill set to do list - learn to flip lower.

yah, i dont know why i'm up either. i'm supposed to help my mother move into a science camp thing, but it's so god damned early...

shakespeare camp starts next week!!

holy shit

wow, it's been awhile.


so, to summarize, as if i'd forget. since the last entry:

- i failed classes, thus not graduating. i will be graduating january 2010, and then walking in may. sucks, but so it is.

- was diagnosed (?) with depression. but not severe enough for medication. i spent the last two months of school fighting this. wish i'd sought out help a long time earlier. lesson for the future.

- met an awesome man. fun. serious, but not in the way these things usually are. friendship more than anything else, though there is a lot of else.

- put up a senior thesis project. went ok. learned what i need to work on, which is the most important thing.

- watched my friends graduate, to mixed emotions.

- got cast as pippin (!), which is a dream role. it's going very well so far i think. it's been a HUGE confidence boost. not so much getting cast as the fact that i've been actually applying myself to it and getting results. going to keep doing that.

- got a directing gig (!) doing much ado (!). holy crap. this i'm still nervous for, but i've got a lot more time. auditions the weekend after pippin closes. i never do rest do i?

- welcomed a lot of old friends back into my life. home just feels better.

- haven't found a job yet...but have been working on it...something will come through soon...

- decided to devote more time to being happy. why bother temporizing over what isn't working? the solution will appear in time.



overall...2009 was awful...until about may 13th or so. i still don't know where i want to go, or what i want to do...not trying to quote pippin, honestly...that's creepy. but for now, that's ok. i WILL find something that makes this worthwhile. shakespeare alone is reason to be alive.

i can be happy. i'm almost here.

fuck

it all comes crashing down. and i can't move. just sit and watch the house burn.

if you've gotta be a piece of ass

i'm so close to getting out.  don't self-sabotage now, self!

also, i think i'm becoming more and more attracted to older men.  not old.  but like.  30.  i think it's because i yearn to be semi-established.

cigarettes and wine

i always burn my tongue on you

slow burn, smolder

looking in the mirror is only ok on the morning after someone leaves your bed

words you borrowed

i donno man. things are going ok. i like it.

i made the decision somewhere in the past two months to be happy, and aside from getting drunk and lonely here and there, i'm happy, and i'm enjoying the company of people around me. i've even been hit with some hard stuff in the past couple weeks and i've still been pretty good.

that's a change, right? maybe it's maturity, maybe it's acceptance. hmmm.

oh i can't breathe...

i'm not handling this well.








stupid stupid rob.

my confidence was failing.

i'm so fucking sick of feeling lonely. being alone is one thing, feeling lonely is quite another.


fuckthisshit

on a midnight clear

so...

treading old ground.







what the hell am i doing?

so...

its been awhile.


i'm less depressed, i think. time will tell.

i'm trying to remove pretension from my life as much as possible.



i wonder if anyone reads this, but it doesn't matter. it's just for me.

listening

sometimes i just look at pictures of people i know who are already living their lives, who are adults settled into jobs or careers, whether it's what they wanted to do or not. and their relationships, and their friends and their kids, and their responsibilities.

because those responsibilities matter; they put food on the table. what do mine do? they're bullshit, really. and i hate bullshit.


but i shouldn't think that way. i guess i'm just jealous. i'm jealous because i look at pictures and i see people who have empty eyes and sometimes i wish i could just be that person, who looks and doesn't see, who just goes through blind, without realizing the meaningless illusion that covers everything, and is a reflection on everything they touch. but they are still granted the small happinesses.


it's not that i'm unhappy all the time, because i'm not. i enjoy moments. but i just can't escape this melancholy. and it's worse, because that same melancholy goes against my attitude about how people should go through life, so part of me always feels like a hypocrit.


this place is crushing my spirit.

tired of the whole thing

its really hard to find meaning sometimes

especially in paperwork
and filing
and bullshit


i am required nothing by creation
not even existence

so why do people insist on terming my existence
as only having meaning if i
complete something other